Cycles of Fear

This page, at the time of its creation, was meant to be a media for me to store most of my writings, to prevent my random writings as the result of random impulsive needs of self-actualisation that contains mostly my rants; anger, sadness, and all other stuff in it to just end up in some random trashcans. I know that this page practically has zero viewers in general, but hey, the main goal wasn't to gain viewers in the first place, right? The hell with fame.

So to say, this page contains slices of me; a Horcrux if you prefer such terms. Its existence in and of itself is a manifestation of my fear of fading into oblivion, to be forgotten and all. A talk with a friend of mine I rather hold dearly made me elaborate this fear of mine. To him, I explained my strong belief to the idea that one of the qualities making mankind unique is our ability to actively contribute to our world. Not only passively through organic means, like all living beings do in terms of shaping our environment and ecosystem, but also actively through our thoughts and acts.

As an example, we all know Marie Curie for her discovery of radioactivity. Of course, some of her past findings might have been revoked, updated, or added upon, I am not much of a physicist so I don't know for sure. My point is, the act she has done contributes more than just participating in this world's food chain, harshly speaking.

That, however, raises one question: how do we quantify our worth in this society? Does it mean that one has to go through feminism's idea of intersectionalism, or is it one's net worth, as often published by fancy magazines listing people based on how much money they have? Does it have to be made in a novel platform Black Mirror-esque in order to get an actual number? I have no answer to that just yet, especially seen in the big scale of this world.

"But little Earl Grey, ain't that too much for you to think about for now? Ain't those thoughts just gonna drag your mind down, causing havoc and all?"

To which I sadly answer yes; I think I've had my fair share of quarter-life crisis –since I think that I'm way too young for a mid-life crisis, but crisis it is– not to mention a spice of depression here and there. As the kind of person that hates uncertainty, to the point where I often prefer someone just asking me for what I want for gifts instead of giving me some random ones, this thing bothers me a lot. Inability to foresee and make plans for upcoming events and instead resorting to other upon other sorts of backup plan infuriates me. Talk about having to wait two months for SBMPTN, eh?

One thing I've learned, however, after meeting someone that perhaps has shifted –shifted because the word change feels too strong, I'm just as stubborn as ever– is to scale things down a little. I don't have to be remembered by everyone, say that I have failed my obviously grandiose wish. I don't have to be known by everyone; to be studied in detail with books talking about me and my theories whatsoever. I don't want to be known by all people, I want to be memorated; by those who I hold equally dearly during the course of my (past, in the sense of my death in the future,) life.

That insight made me try to work with things I already have, instead of continuously trying to achieve things that might not be achievable at the moment just yet, saving me from futile exercise. That sounds bloated, I agree, as the reality isn't that smooth. Self-conflicting ideas come as often as it was before and arguments with this "let it flow" dear person come is as heated as how it was. Perhaps, we exist in order to compliment each other in life. Perhaps, it was meant to shape each other to become the less extreme of each spectrum. Perhaps, this life is a complex orchestra conducted by a highly intricate being. Perhaps, it is love that unites people from a different polarity of life in a weird fashion. Perhaps, I'm going to stop creating backup theories, at least once.

Low-key dedicated to Eid al-Fitr of January 1999.

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Penuaan Dini

Sebuah foto yang diunggah kolega saya selama menjabat sebagai Wakil Presiden FEDU menggugah perasaan saya. Perasaan tersebut berujung pada saya yang akhirnya mengunggah ulang foto tersebut. Tulisan yang saya sematkan dengan foto tersebut sebenarnya sudah cukup menggambarkan perasaan saya selama SMA, tapi, saya masih merasa ada beberapa hal yang mengganjal yang saya perlu ceritakan.

mau ikutan kayak Mbak Presiden biar kiyoot uwiwu × I frankly hate high school, with all the shit it has to offer, but I have to admit that this group called FEDU leaves the most memorable experience; a kinda lovely one if you squint your eyes hard enough like I did on those pictures. I'm definitely gonna say yes for another round with or against these people or chance to give (rather mediocre) constructives. Invite me on the next first meetings, please, I promise I won't be mean.

A post shared by Kévin Aprilio (@23aprilio) on Apr 5, 2018 at 6:08am PDT

Foto itu mengingatkan bahwa saya sudah tua, paling tidak untuk ukuran anak SMA. Perasaan yang agak aneh, terutama karena saya tidak pernah mencintai masa SMA saya, terutama jika dibandingkan dengan teman-teman saya yang lain. Sepertinya, ini yang teman karib saya Grace Adeline rasakan ketika beranjak meninggalkan SMA. Saya sejujurnya tidak dapat berkata banyak mengenai alasan kenapa saya tidak menjalani masa SMA saya, meskipun masa SMA sering diagung-agungkan dan dianggap sebagai masa yang paling indah seumur hidup. Entahlah, jangan tanya saya mengenai kebenaran premis itu. Mungkin karena ini merupakan pertama kalinya saya hidup independen sebagai anak rantau, mungkin juga karena perbedaan kultur yang diperparah dengan idealisme saya. Satu hal yang pasti bagi saya; saya meninggalkan orangtua saya jauh-jauh di Kalimantan untuk menuntut ilmu.

Paling tidak, saya berhasil menggaet beberapa orang untuk dipanggil teman selama tiga tahun saya di sini, meskipun saya sendiri tidak tahu kenapa saya bisa berteman dengan mereka. Kebanyakan mereka menyukai budaya Jepang dan permainan digital, sementara saya ngawur sendiri menjadikan debat parlementer–atau yang kadang saya sebut "cari ribut sama orang"–sebagai hobi. Hobi macam apa itu?

Hobi aneh itu dimulai dari awal SMA, pada saat MPLS–Masa Pengenalan Lingkungan Sekolah, red–berakhir dan setiap kelompok ekstrakurikuler mempromosikan dirinya untuk mencari anggota baru. Saya yang tidak pernah tertarik pada banyak hal lainnya yang biasanya digemari remaja-remaja macam saya berakhir mendaftarkan diri di dua ekstrakurikuler; SIGMA dan FEDU. SIGMA merupakan kumpulan penggiat matematika, sebagai katalis pembelajaran sekaligus tempat persiapan olimpiade, dan FEDU merupakan klub debat bahasa Inggris sekolah. Keduanya tidak berjalan semenyenangkan yang saya kira; SIGMA karena saya berakhir menjadi pajangan nama anggota tidak aktif, dan FEDU karena masalah pribadi. Namanya juga kelompok orang yang senang cari ribut, apa yang bisa diharap?

Paling tidak, ada kenangan yang tertinggal dari tiga tahun yang saya habiskan di sini, di belakang papan tulis dengan kumpulan kertas dalam map, pulpen beraneka warna, dan kojing yang terbuka; di antara sekolah dan petualangan yang saya dapat jalani. Sesuatu untuk diakhiri dengan senyum tersimpul.

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Serenity

Today, nausea and headache comes back,
and I feel like they are up for a mischief.
This thing seems so familiar to me,
and I think this vicious cycle is coming back at me.

I feel like a part of me is tearing away,
and it begs to get away from this flesh of mine.
I feel like my head is cracked splitting,
and the only solution is to bang it to the wall.

Lately several things has been a resort,
maintaining my grip on sanity and morality.
Lights and fumes and binging and sleep,
mostly to keep up with demands of the world.

Dreams of going away from the world come,
I think going away for a while is nice, eventually.
Do they come to deliver me from the current sorrow,
instead reaping my in such a cruel way, who knows.

What do I do?

A poem describing my periodical blues, currently happening as of today.

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Things to Learn

There is a reason when they say that you only stop learning when you finally die. Perhaps it goes barely noticed, especially as a student that fills his daily life with school’s curriculum, but the truth is, many small things that one gets go unnoticed.

On Saturday, I got to finally meet one of my best friends; one that is ready to listen to my rants, my gossips, and my whines. One can never ignore such friends, right? Yet sadly, we rarely get to meet each other due to each other’s business. On that particular time though, during a rare event of a long weekend, I get to have brunch with this friend of mine. Not for any other reason than to spend some quality time. High five, Garlic!

We got to talk about many things, and being a patisserie major she is, it involved food and cakes. Something that both of us likes, especially with my family’s bakeshop. My table manner also gets corrected, by the time our food arrives. Getting closer to become a gentleman, eh? Well, eventually, things get less superficial as time goes.

As a paradoxical creature that needs social interaction with people yet is also egotistical by nature, we then proceeded to talk about each other’s social life. Interesting how everyone develops, especially seeing how her life is getting busier yet better with all the activities she has in her hands. Whilst I, I’m just getting busier, albeit being more excited. Hah.

One particular thing that made me glad to actually spend some time for that little rendezvous, however, lies at the end of our very talk. Whilst I was talking about my personal point of view towards a problem within an organization I’m in, she made several critics towards myself that I accepted more than gladly. One of them being how attitude matters. A little bit of a no brainer, but, perhaps a backstory is necessary.

I always hold a little bit of pride when it comes to how witty I can be; a trait I consider to be a good thing when it comes to breaking the ice of overly rigid events. So, even when it comes to interacting with my juniors at school, for example, I've always made it in a manner that I would consider as comical. What's the need of unnecessary professionalism, right? Well, one thing that she made me realize is that it does affect one’s image in the long run. Making people take you for granted, so to say. So apparently, one thing that I would try to do is to keep some social structures retained.

The further conversation regarding that, however, must be dropped due to the fact that the cab she booked has come, which eventually marked the end of our talk. At least, one other thing to learn about life, right?

Check out this friend of mine here.

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How Are You?

An easy question to ask, that is often posed as a filler to make things less awkward between people in a conversation. Nevertheless, delved in further, perhaps answering it is not as simple as to pose yourself for being fine.

Let's try by answering this in a more honest fashion, which is to avoid the common answer we all have known and shift our point of view to our state of being at the time. The answer is limitless, depending on how one see their own self. Does this guarantee a sincere answer, though? Perhaps, not necessarily.

You see, unlike most of the things that we see around us, emotion is a dark abyss that is not measured in numbers or any specific points; eventually causing conflicting thoughts within our rational mind and the one that goes wild all around. Dissonance, you might say. It is possible to state your well-being simply from the dinner that you've had beforehand, or how you find your lucky penny on your way beforehand.

But, does it translate to how good you are? Indeed, not necessarily. Going in deeper and farther in time, more scars are visible; sometimes even more prominent ones. Those moments from your childhood that you have never dared to speak about, or perhaps, that person you wish you can never talk to anymore. The farther we see, the easier it is to see some things that are too big to see in such a narrow point of view.

Indeed, nobody is comfortable to talk about it; sometimes, a "Fine, thanks." is way easier to be just said in the given moment. We bury those things deep within us for the ease of simply going on. Nobody has to know.

So, how are you?~

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